Spider-Man: Homecoming hits theaters in one week, and there’s no better way to get excited, for arguably the most anticipated movie of the year, than to take a look at all the bat-s— crazy things our arachnid-hero has done across mediums in his legendary “career!”
Now, my original plan was to stick to the comic books when picking out the web-slinger’s craziest antics…but then I thought to myself, “Why leave out the ridiculous moments of the films as well!?” (I really did say that to myself. Out loud. It freaked an awful lot of people out.) So without further ado…. some crazy stuff, courtesy of arguably Marvel’s most popular hero.
Spider-Man’s Most WTF Moments!
courtesy of CBR.com
10. Parker loses it
This list could probably include only moments from the 90’s Clone Saga, as that multi-issue arc was certifiably crazy, with a multitude of Peter Parker clones wreaking havoc on not only Spider-Man, but his Peter Parker alter ego, as well. One clone in particular, Ben Reilly (the future Scarlet Spider) claims to be the real Peter Parker, and a DNA test proves this to be true. Peter legit loses his mind, and tries to kill Ben. Understandably, he’s fired up. Mary Jane, love of Peter’s life, tries to stop real Peter from killing sort of real Peter, and gets backhanded by Parker in his fit of rage. Could the situation be worse? In fact, yes, and it is. Mary Jane is pregnant with Peter’s child, so Spider-Man just hit his pregnant wife. He immediately realizes the error of his ways, and bolts for the window. This might just be the darkest chapter of Spider-Man’s life, and it’s at #10 as I refuse to put anything having to do with domestic abuse any lower on a list that is meant for laughs, as there’s nothing humorous about hitting a women.
courtesy of Marvel.com
9. Spider-Man of yonder years
1602, an 8 issue arc that displaced Marvel’s greatest heroes in the earliest days of the 17th Century, is also a much better read than the premise might lead you to believe. The storyline and artwork together craft an entertaining and original premise, and this arc was actually the one that catapulted me back into the world of comic book reading/collecting. Peter Parquagh, the Amazing one’s 1602 counterpart, did not translate as well as some of the other characters. Blame it on character development if you’d like, but I’ll place the blame where it should reside: A god-awful costume. Spider-Man should never wear ruffles.
courtesy of comicsalliance.com
8. Beach Fight!
Sigh…Just look at it! I just, I can’t. I “white girl, wearing Michael Kors while drinking a mochachakalattechino” can’t even!
courtesy of sciencefiction.com
7. Peter was DESTINED to be Spider-Man
Throughout much of his comicbook (and film) history, not much is revealed about Peter’s parents. This is okay, as we assume they were just normal scientists who loved the crap out of their kid. Good enough for me. But no, said Marc Webb, director of The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Let’s develop a completely convoluted back story where Richard Parker’s DNA is part of those radioactive spiders, making Peter the only person on earth who could’ve become Spider-Man with a radioactive bite. I mean, okay, but wasn’t his back story already fantastically written, without having his powers be an unintentional gift from his late father? Screw it, this isn’t even the worst thing about The Amazing Spider-Man 2. So let’s talk about the Rhino….
courtesy of MOBAfire.com
6. Fight a T-Rex…Crave a Banana
If there’s one thing we’re learning from this list, it is that the 70’s were a really, really weird time for entertainment. The U.S. Department of Agriculture got Marvel’s permission to use Spider-Man in some good ol’ PSA’s promoting good health. I’m sure they thought, “Cool, promote our brand while promoting healthy food choices.” Apparently, they also thought, “Hey, ya know what would be sweet? Having Spidey battle a f—ing dinosaur and then declining a medal for heroism, instead asking for a healthy snack in the form of a banana!” Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…….
This PSA is also proof that rampant drug use did not die out in the 60’s.
courtesy of IGN.com
It was 1971 and it only lasted 3 issues, but the Six Arm Saga is the thing nightmares are made of. Peter thinks Spider-Man has caused too much hurt. Peter creates science juice to drink. Peter wakes up with 6 arms total, making him a cross between a Mortal Kombat character and the most terrifying thing not a part of The Conjuring Universe.
4. GO GO Spider Rangers!
A 1970’s knock off web-head series made in Japan is probably all I need to write for this. But, what if I told you that “Spider-Man” was given his powers from an alien who came from the planet Spider. Not weird enough yet? “Supaidāman” also has a Megazord-esque robot that he pilots over the city. You want to see this, don’t you? Click on the link above. You’re welcome.
courtesy of therobotvoice.com
3. Radioactive Sperm
No really, I’m not even kidding! During the Spider-Man Reign saga, which began at the end of 2006, we are privy to the fact that Mary Jane Watson is dying of cancer. The big C can suck it, even in the comicbook world, yet the revelation of HOW MJ got sick is truly, undeniably brain-exploding: Peter Parker has deadly man juice. I s— you not, this is a real thing that happened, and I’m still flabbergasted writing about it 10+ years later. Having sex with Spider-Man is what is killing Mary Jane. Radioactive sperm. Say it out loud. Yes, it’s even more insane hearing it out loud.
courtesy of chasingamazing.com
2. It wasn’t bad enough that it was a Fantastic 4 Suit…
Long story short: Reed Richards, of Fantastic 4 fame, helps Parker get rid of the symbiote, of Venom fame, which leaves Peter without a Spider-Man suit to wear. So Reed makes Spider-Man a new Spider-Man suit…hahahahaha, jk, why would that happen…in the 90’s…no, no, no instead he gives him a baggy F4 suit that clearly never went through the dryer, and a paper bag to wear on his head. Isn’t Reed Richards rich and brilliant? Basically, he’s Tony Stark without the killer goatee and dependency on alcohol. And this is what he gives him? Clearly, he hates Peter Parker.
1. Is he…no…is he dancing?!
Where do I even start with this scene? Perhaps, my irrational hatred for Tobey Maguire, which this scene only added gasoline to? Or the fact that Peter found the only street in NYC that only women are walking down, yet chose to “boogie” and “gyrate” like an extra in a 70’s Travolta film. Better yet, why not focus on the fact that the alien symbiote that is causing Peter to act like a rhythm-less jackass should, in fact, be turning him into an unstoppable rage monster, not into a wannabe playboy who wouldn’t be able to find a one night stand on Tinder. Is this really the most insanely asinine thing that Spider-Man ever did? Probably not, but hey, note above my undying hatred for all things Tobey Maguire, and the sheer ridiculousness of this scene, and in my book you have a #1 spot filler.
What are your most WTF Spider-Man moments? I know I missed some! Comment below!
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